Stories: “Awesome”

My ex-girlfriend wasn’t the first and only time I lived with a woman. About six years ago, when I first moved to New York City, I had a female roommate.

The thing about living with a person of the opposite sex you’re not sleeping with (but would sleep with if given the chance, only you don’t because one does not use the bathroom in the exact same place they eat) is both parties must be true to themselves.

The two of  us were roommates, not each others father or mother, so this idea that certain behavior was unacceptable on the grounds that it was unbecoming of a man or woman to act or speak a certain way was done away with almost immediately. The only way either of us were going to last in what at the time felt like a most unusual arrangement, was if she let me be a man and I let her be a woman.

This philosophy helped us stay the path of harmony. The two of us got along well, and I’m proud to say we never crossed that mythical line. For two years we were remarkably patient with one another, and as I recall, we had only three or four genuine disagreements. But awkward moments? Oh yeah, there were probably more of those.

For the first year we lived together, my roommate and I had separate televisions. Well, actually, we had one-and-a-half televisions. See, she had one in her room, and we shared the one in the living room. The reason I didn’t have my own is because my room was so close to the living room, I could actually drag the TV in my room. Now of course, I could have watched TV in the living room, but I’m part Puerto Rican, and if you know anything about Latinos, they like to watch their televisions on one volume setting: VERY LOUD. So when my roommate turned in for the night, I dragged the television into my room, this way the volume wouldn’t keep her up.

One night, I had a difficult time falling asleep. I don’t recall exactly what time it was, but I know it was one of those times where it felt like the whole world was asleep, no matter their time zone. I couldn’t pick up the phone and call anybody. I didn’t have a laptop at the time, so there was no personal computer for me to peruse the Internet. It was just me, my boredom, and over 1,000 channels of television with nothing to watch. That was until I found the Adult Video On Demand Network.

For those who don’t know what  the AVOD Network is, it’s basically HBO On Demand but instead of titles like Sex AND The City there’s titles like Sex IN The City. See how that works? And unlike the selections on HBO On Demand, the AVOD selections were not a part of our cable package. In order for me to indulge myself in any one of these titles, I would have do two things: Pay $9.95 for a six-hour block of adult videos and betray my Latino people by turning down the volume to a reasonable level so my roommate wouldn’t hear.

Now when bootleggers are selling any one of these titles I saw on the AVOD Network for $5 on the street, $9.95 seems a little unreasonable. But on this one particular night, I was making an exception. Like I said, I was bored and wide awake, and sure I could have used my imagination but it was only playing reruns. I wanted some fresh sounds and visuals to enhance my, umm, experience(?), so I thought, Ten dollars? For six hours? What a deal!

My only concern was my roommate seeing the titles on the cable bill at the end of the month. Then I remembered how in hotels, a person who was bored and wide awake late at night, could order any movie they wanted, including the adult ones, without worrying about the funny looks from the staff when they check out. This was because hotels always said all movie purchases show  on the receipt with no titles. As for the extra charges on the bill, I wasn’t worried about those because should my roommate ask me where they came from, I could pass them off as like regular movie titles or something.

SEX IN THE CITY Press B to buy this event:

B

SEX IN THE CHOCOLATE CITY Press B to buy this event:

B

SEX IN SIN CITY Press B to buy this event:

B

SEX IN THE CHOCOLATE CITY 2 (That was a good series, I can’t even lie.): Press B to buy this event:

B

That’s how it went down, B, B, B, B, for four nights that first month. Each time, I wasn’t thinking about a total of $40. Each time I was thinking,  Ten Dollars? For six hours? What a deal!

One of the great things about my roommate was her organization skills. Every month she would open up the bills we shared and calculate what each of us owed. Because she went to school while I was working full time, she usually got them first, then she would do her calculations and send me an email with what I owed. She also showed the math she did in long hand on a blank space of the envelopes in which the bills came, such a nice, feminine touch I thought.

I don’t remember what the total amount I owed was, but I do remember it was $40 more than usual, and I remember when I opened the email being worried she was going to ask me where the charges came from. Fortunately, there was no such question in her email, just the total cost with a sentence that said, “They’re on the table. See you later.”

Good, I thought. No questions means no titles showed up on the bill. I was in the clear.

When I came home, my roommate was in her room. “Hey,” I yelled from the living room as I put down my stuff. “Hey,” she yelled from behind the door of her bedroom.

I walked over to our coffee table and picked up our bills to go over the calculations. On our Time Warner Cable I see the following:

PURCHASED: SEX IN THE CITY $9.95
PURCHASED: SEX IN THE CHOCOLATE CITY $9.95
PURCHASED: SEX IN SIN CITY $9.95
PURCHASED: SEX IN THE CHOCOLATE CITY $9.95

All four movies I purchased with the titles! In all caps too! I was frozen by my embarrassment, red in the face. For ten minutes, I couldn’t move and in my head I’m screaming:  Time Warner Cable, you jerks! Why are you trying to rat me out at the top of your lungs? What happened to the code?! The hotel code! You don’t put the titles of the movies you purchase! All caps!? All capital letters!?

Later that night, I was in the kitchen making some breakfast. My roommate came from out of her room to get something out of the refrigerator. We made small talk, asked each other about our day. The usual stuff. And before she went back in her room she says, to me, “You saw the bills, right?”

“Oh yeah,” I said.

“Cool,” she said. “And you saw the extra charges, right?”

I stopped whatever I was doing, only for a moment, and then muttered, “Yeah. I’m going to write a check for them before I go to work in the morning.”

She chuckled and said, “Okay. Awesome.”

That night I went to bed, the television stayed in the living room.

Awkward.