5 Women I Wanted to Shake the Sh*t Out of After MTV’s VMAs

For the record, I watched four football games this past weekend, three from the NFL and one college game before I sat down last night and watched the three-hour pop culture fest that is the MTV Video Music Awards. Manhood intact.

Needless to say, the only thing that was even close to the drama of the VMAs was the overtime game my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers won in the first game of the season last Thursday. But last night, MTV outdid itself with one of the most memorable award shows I have ever seen.

Instead of doing a traditional recap like you’re probably going to read everywhere else, I have decided instead to focus on five women who made me want to “shake the shit out of them”. Word to Chris Rock*. Here they are.

5. Woman: Madonna

Reason She’s Getting Shook: Ever since her introduction to the Michael Jackson tribute I have been trying to erase the anecdotes of her and the King of Pop together out of my mind. It has not worked. Not only was I left feeling uncomfortable by her story of their date night, descriptions of his legacy like, “boys fell in love with him” were flat out inappropriate.
Click here to watch Madonna’s tribute speech to Michael Jackson.

4. Woman: The female Lady Gaga fans.

Reason She’s Getting Shook: Going on and on about how “fabulous” and “different” Lady Gaga looked. The woman performed in what looked like a tu-tu and then splashed blood on her so it looked like she was performing while on her period. And yet, women were all over my Twitter talking about, “OMG! I LOVE LADY GAGA”. Yeah, I really wanted to shake the shit out of these women, and I’m sure any man who was watching this with their woman last night wanted to do the same thing if she was going nuts for Gaga.
Click here to watch Lady Gaga perform “Paparazzi” live.

3. Woman: Jennifer Lopez

Reasons She’s Getting Shook: I’m no fashion expert, but I know when a woman has lost her thunder just by the clothes she wears. Back in the day, J. Lo used to show up in outfits like this, looking like the only underwear she owned were thongs and G-strings. Now she’s showing up so plain, it’s not even worth me digging up a picture. What happened to her? It’s as though she got her dress from the new Vow of Chastity line. Jennifer Lopez used to be fine, now she looks as sexy as a woman with two kids who almost never gets to go out. Wait a minute. That’s exactly what happened with J. Lo.

2. Woman: Lil Mama

Reason I Want to Shake Her: All I have to say is, 5:08. 5:08.

1. Woman: Kanye West

Reason I Want to Shake Her: I know this is not something any man should call a woman, but Kanye West was a bitch last night when he jumped on the stage in the middle of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. I don’t even like Taylor Swift, now I feel like I have to because otherwise, the next brotha she comes across, she’s going to feel like she has to hold her Moon Man tighter. I write more about this today in my article for TheRoot.com entitled, “Kanye West Does Not Care About Taylor Swift.” Read it, enjoy, then trade in a Kanye West album for this.

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Click here for context on the Chris Rock quote

5 Women I Wanted to Shake the Sh*t Out of After MTV's VMAs

For the record, I watched four football games this past weekend, three from the NFL and one college game before I sat down last night and watched the three-hour pop culture fest that is the MTV Video Music Awards. Manhood intact.

Needless to say, the only thing that was even close to the drama of the VMAs was the overtime game my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers won in the first game of the season last Thursday. But last night, MTV outdid itself with one of the most memorable award shows I have ever seen.

Instead of doing a traditional recap like you’re probably going to read everywhere else, I have decided instead to focus on five women who made me want to “shake the shit out of them”. Word to Chris Rock*. Here they are.

5. Woman: Madonna

Reason She’s Getting Shook: Ever since her introduction to the Michael Jackson tribute I have been trying to erase the anecdotes of her and the King of Pop together out of my mind. It has not worked. Not only was I left feeling uncomfortable by her story of their date night, descriptions of his legacy like, “boys fell in love with him” were flat out inappropriate.
Click here to watch Madonna’s tribute speech to Michael Jackson.

4. Woman: The female Lady Gaga fans.

Reason She’s Getting Shook: Going on and on about how “fabulous” and “different” Lady Gaga looked. The woman performed in what looked like a tu-tu and then splashed blood on her so it looked like she was performing while on her period. And yet, women were all over my Twitter talking about, “OMG! I LOVE LADY GAGA”. Yeah, I really wanted to shake the shit out of these women, and I’m sure any man who was watching this with their woman last night wanted to do the same thing if she was going nuts for Gaga.
Click here to watch Lady Gaga perform “Paparazzi” live.

3. Woman: Jennifer Lopez

Reasons She’s Getting Shook: I’m no fashion expert, but I know when a woman has lost her thunder just by the clothes she wears. Back in the day, J. Lo used to show up in outfits like this, looking like the only underwear she owned were thongs and G-strings. Now she’s showing up so plain, it’s not even worth me digging up a picture. What happened to her? It’s as though she got her dress from the new Vow of Chastity line. Jennifer Lopez used to be fine, now she looks as sexy as a woman with two kids who almost never gets to go out. Wait a minute. That’s exactly what happened with J. Lo.

2. Woman: Lil Mama

Reason I Want to Shake Her: All I have to say is, 5:08. 5:08.

1. Woman: Kanye West

Reason I Want to Shake Her: I know this is not something any man should call a woman, but Kanye West was a bitch last night when he jumped on the stage in the middle of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. I don’t even like Taylor Swift, now I feel like I have to because otherwise, the next brotha she comes across, she’s going to feel like she has to hold her Moon Man tighter. I write more about this today in my article for TheRoot.com entitled, “Kanye West Does Not Care About Taylor Swift.” Read it, enjoy, then trade in a Kanye West album for this.

———————————————-

Click here for context on the Chris Rock quote