Shaky Relationship Advice Part 2

As I said in my first installment of “Shaky Relationship Advice“, I really don’t know if any of this stuff works. All I know is that it worked for me at some point or another.

That being said, I really, really have no idea whether or not the advice I’m about to give today has ever worked or will ever work. It’s in regards to cheating, specifically, how a woman can keep her man from cheating if she is ever worried about such a thing.

Already I can hear the dissenters commenting saying I’m an idiot. Already I can hear them saying, “A man’s going to cheat if he wants to, it doesn’t matter.” Already I can anticipate more than a few side eyes and “psssshhhh”‘s from my readers.

Oh well. All I’m doing is trying to offer up some friendly advice. Think of me as the friend who you ask for advice from and never end up taking anyway. That’s me. I’m that guy.  Let me also remind people, I’m no expert, but I am experienced.

So here it is, my advice, my not yet proven but worthwhile approach to how to get your man to not cheat:

EVERY TIME YOUR MAN GOES OUT YOU GO OUT TOO

Does everyone understand what I’m saying or do I need to paint a visual?

I’ll paint a visual.

I just lined up some face time with my woman on the side and at the 11th hour, I give my main woman a call to cancel some plans the two of us made a week or so ago. The conversation goes something like this.

Me: Hey baby, look here, umm, I have to [insert lame excuse here] tonight, so I’m going to have to cancel our plans.

Her: Oh, sweetie, I’m so happy you called cause I was just about to call you to do the same.

Me: Do what the same?

Her: Cancel the plans.

Me: Huh? What? Why?

Her: Oh my girl just called me up talking about her friend is in town with all his friends and they want us to go out with them.

Now note, my woman never had plans in the first place. She’s just acting like she did to keep me honest. But the key is, she didn’t hesitate when I originally canceled on her. Not only did she sound unfazed by my last-minute cancellation, she sounded relieved because she had “plans of her own.” Her composure is why I am now on my end of the phone, stunned in silence.

Her: Hello? Baby you there?

Me: Umm, yeah, I’m here. Wait, you’re about to go out right now?

Her: Well, in like an hour. I just laid out my dress and I’m about to hop in the shower.

Two key things here: She said “dress”, but she didn’t say which one because she wants me to ask which one. I won’t take the bait though. She also said “about to hop in the shower” and now I’m imagining her naked in the shower and all of a sudden a night with my woman on the side doesn’t sound appealing. But before I change plans, she adds a couple more extras.

She turns on getting-ready-to-go-out music in the background loud as hell and starts humming along, which means I have to raise my voice to be heard.

Me: HEY BABY! BABY!? CAN YOU TURN THAT DOWN?

Her: WHAT?! HOLD ON, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LET ME TURN THIS DOWN!

She turns down the music.

Me: Baby, look, I just got an email from my co-worker saying we’re all done here. I can actually get out of here. Would you be down to stay in with me tonight?

Her: That’s kind of messed up, they have a limo and table reservations.

Me: Fuck. The. Limo. Put away your dress and keep the shower running. I’ll be there in ten minutes, so get in in five minutes and leave the door unlocked or a key under the mat, and I’ll be in the shower with you before you know it.

Her: [Sighs] Fine. But she’s going to be really disappointed and now we better do something fun cause I was looking forward.

Me: Whatever. I’ll make it up to you when I get there. Bye.

Her: Bye. See you soooon.

Nothing has ever kept me in check or on my Ps and Qs more than when my woman is about to go out with her girls without me around. Every time a situation like that has occurred, I always pray it isn’t going to be the night my bad karma gets the best of me. Even if a woman doesn’t have a life of her own, she better act like she does so her man stays on point. If every time a man says he’s going out to do his own thing his woman responds with a, “Good, so am I” there is a high probability the man will start curbing his own social life for the sake of curbing his woman’s. Fight fire with fire, even if the fire isn’t real, because sometimes men only respond to what they see in the mirror.

Any man who has ever cheated knows the first person he thinks about after he’s done doing whatever he did is his woman. Usually, he tries to call his woman and if she doesn’t pick up the phone on that first call, that man is tripping, wondering if his woman isn’t picking up the phone because she’s doing the same thing he just got finished doing. The above scenario is an extension of that.

Of course, at some point, such responses are not going to fly and either I’m going to call her bluff or I’m not going to care. But I hope it never gets to that point, because once we stop caring, well, there isn’t any relationship advice in the world that can help.

What ABOUT the Condom?

Whenever I hear or am a part of conversations about sex, I can always count on one person who feels the need to be the conversation’s Public Service Announcer.

Everyone knows this person: They always reveal themselves by chiming into the sex conversation or or any other conversation regarding relationships with an unnecessary reminder of STD rates or the importance of using condoms. On this blog here, I see such people frequently in the c-section, and I am taking no shots against my commenters, because I love and cherish everyone of them, but whenever someone wants to preach on how something like infidelity leads to STDs I start to tune out.

It’s not that I don’t care about the importance of safe sex or the STD rates. It’s not like I think I’m immune from anything or against protecting myself. It’s more like, we need to speak to each other about sex like adults who have some common sense, at least when we’re talking amongst friends. We need to talk about sex like we’ve all had some before and we’ve been through some things before.

The lengths people go to to insert a safe sex caveat are sometimes so ridiculous I have to laugh. Everyone is familiar with that friend who always wants to jump into sex conversations with something like, “I hope everyone here is protecting themselves.”  I always want to throw something at that friend.  If I’m having phone sex with my long distance girlfriend, and right when we’re about to get to the good part she says, “Put the condom on, baby,” I’m going to hang up on her. In movies*, when two people are about to go at it, and the scene doesn’t include a reach for some protection, the last thing I want to hear somebody in the audience say is, “Why didn’t they use a condom?”

Such questions, such details are all just unnecessary semantics. Not only that, but the putting on of a condom is the least sexiest part in any sex scene or story. Seriously, how does one even sound sexy when they say something like, “I take the wrapper and open it with my teeth.” What? I have fillings, if I open the condom wrapper with my teeth, that’s going to hurt.

But I digress…

We should be able to have fun, lighthearted conversations about sex without the preaching, unless, of course, Magic Johnson is involved. When I talk about cheating or I talk about a one-night stand or I talk about jump-offs and casual sex relations, I’m not trying to bog down the stories with lessons on the importance of safe sex. For one, I am telling these stories to an adult audience or my adult friends who are already educated about safe sex. If I were talking to children, than of course the condom would play a starring role, but in the R-Rated version of my tales and experiences, assume I’m exercising some common sense because I am. Let’s try to elevate the conversation about sexual relationships beyond the basics and talk about sex like, you know, people who are actually having sex and people who know right from wrong.

I care very much about protecting myself, of having sex the right way because even though I have experienced the joys of what I call organic sex, I also know the peace of mind that comes with protected sex is priceless, and I think it’s safe to say many of my peers are also familiar with the risks/rewards of both. But the next time one of them wants to tell me about a night of passionate lovemaking, I’m not going to even ask about the condom, and I hope nobody asks me the question either because asking me if I wore a condom is like asking me if I enjoyed myself. Of course I enjoyed myself. Of course I wore a condom.

* For anyone who does want to see a movie where safe sex is discussed honestly, I suggest Booty Call, if for no other reason, all the comic relief was tied into Tommy Davidson’s character trying to get all the necessary contraceptives.

Women Should Just Cheat Too

Today is a bad day for men. Today, women are mad at men for some improper transgressions a famous man committed behind his wife’s back. Today, I’m hearing all sorts of bad things about men from women.

But today, I have learned a valuable lesson: Women don’t cheat enough.

Don’t tell me they do and men just don’t know about it because women better at keeping it under wraps. Women don’t cheat enough and they need to start doing more of it, maybe this way we can actually start getting into some honest discussions about, you know, things like honesty, faithfulness. How are men supposed to have a conversation with women when they’re stuck up on their high horses? Come down from there, get in the dirt, and play with the big boys.

Now I believe it is messed up when men cheat on their wives, their girlfriends, their whatever she is. I believe it’s wrong for a man to partake in certain types of “transgressions”. I believe it’s a horrible thing to do, to cheat.

But I don’t believe things will change anytime soon and therefore, some women need to just get with the program and get their Connie Summer on.

In my post about Tiger Woods and Cheating I said cheating “sometimes, it’s a woman thing, although, men hate to hear that sort of thing.” Well, I hate to hear women complaining about how wrong men are all because, for better or for worse, a man stepped out on his woman. Will someone please sing me a new song? This one I keep hearing  about men doing what they shouldn’t be doing is getting old and tired and instead of waiting for men to sing a different one, women should just remix it. Flip the script.

To the women who have already started singing the song, bravo, but a little louder please? Let’s just throw away the idea of a fairer sex, because there is no fairer sex. The best we can do is treat each other fairly, and ladies, if that means seeing more than one guy at the same time, so be it.

I have completely resigned myself to the possibility that once in my life a woman  might cheat on me for whatever reason. Maybe I will have deserved it. Maybe it’s already happened. Who knows? What I  do know is if it does happen to me or it already did and I hear about it much later, I’d be able to handle it. And that is not to say I would know what to do, it’s just to say I know what I wouldn’t do, and that’s go completely crazy, which is more than I can say for a lot of other men.

No man ever wants to come to grips with the idea of a woman cheating on them, doesn’t even want to imagine such a thing. Unfortunately most men (not all, as I may have implied in the post I wrote  earlier this week) don’t treat a woman the way they would want their woman to treat them. Most men interact with some women who is not theirs in a way the woman who is theirs would frown upon and there is nothing we could do about it.

I know cheating is dead wrong. There’s no ifs ands or buts about it, no right way to spin it. But any woman who wants to get all up in arms over every act of infidelity they hear or read about should just go ahead and join the cheaters party too. Get it in and often. If for no other reason but to see why men do it. Then tell a few people about it, send out some text messages, and come back to the fidelity conversation. Us men will be waiting.

On Cheating and Tiger Woods

Over the weekend, everyone heard about what happened with Tiger Woods. How he was leaving his house at like 2:30 in the morning, and got into a car accident. How his wife came outside and busted open the window of the car with one of his golf clubs. How he had to go to the hospital because, among other things, his face was looking like he got in a fight in a Lamborghini with Chris Brown.

Once the news hit, the rumor mill started spinning like rims on a  2009 Cadillac Escalade, and of course the most entertaining and scandalous rumor of them all was Tiger Woods was seeing a woman on the side. According to this New York Times article, in the 36 hours after news of the accident broke, over 3,200 stories were published in print and on the web, and without reading even 32 of them, I’m pretty sure most of them were running on the gossip juice.

Now I’m not one to keep the rumor mill churning. Personally, I believe the media should stop all the speculating. Unfortunately for Woods, speculating is so much fun. We’re all throwing rumors out their, just hoping Woods will confirm them. We want him to come right out with it and say he was doing something he shouldn’t. Bonus points if he holds a press conference and cops to adultery with his wife by his side like Kobe Bryant.

But if Tiger Woods cares about his family more than his fame, he won’t say a word. And by doing so, not only will he be protecting his clan, he will be protecting his race too, at least one half of it.

Cheating may not be a black thing, but damn if it isn’t portrayed that way in the media. The majority of great African-Americans, athletes especially, are almost always humanized by stories of adultery. Pay close attention to biopics like Ray (about Ray Charles) and Ali (about Muhammad Ali). Both movies exploit their difficulty with monogamy in an effort to make them seem more like us. Check out what Clint Eastwood who directed and produced an upcoming film about Nelson Mandela, entitled Invictus, said about meeting the man in the current issue of GQ:

GQ: When you met Mandela, did you learn anything from him on how to be, how to live?

Eastwood: Eh, no, because he was a guy who had a lot of faults…he had problems with women. I guess he liked…Ah I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that.

GQ: He said with a grin.

Eastwood: His private life was probably not as great as his public life. He’s a man underneath it all.

The implication of Eastwood’s answers is when it comes to women, men will be men, no matter their color, creed, or class.

Because cheating isn’t a black thing, or an Asian thing, it isn’t a football or a golfer thing, a rich thing or a poor thing. Cheating, I hate to say this, is a man thing; a grown man thing, and sometimes a little man, still in high school, thing. And sometimes, it’s a woman thing, although, men hate to hear that sort of thing. It has been my thing, it has been other men’s thing. It’s been the thing of fathers, husbands, brothers of sisters. Now, it could possibly be this one-of-the-most-famous-and-richest-athletes in the world thing,

But I’ll tell you what it isn’t. It isn’t a new thing.

Nobody should accept cheating in their relationship, but we should accept the fact that every man does it and it’s not bound to one particular group of men. As I said on Twitter the other day, if that man did in fact cheat on his wife, the “I Am Tiger Woods” slogan has become truer than it ever was.

When all the rumors about Tiger Woods cheating on his wife started to surface, and many women I know wanted to blame it on stupid things like him being black, I was reminded of the time I was playing Taboo.

Everyone knows how to play Taboo, the game where one person must refrain from using a list of clues to describe a person, place, or thing and his or her team must guess what it is based on other clues not listed. On this particular night, in this particular game, it was men against women, and it was the women’s turn. A woman picked up her card, and the first clue she gave was, “He cheated on his wife.”

From there, all the women started to scream the names of famous black men. I’m talking everybody from Kobe Bryant to dare I say, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Unfortunately, all of those answers were incorrect. It wasn’t any of those guys. The final answer wasn’t even the same color as any of those guys. The final answer was actually white. You may have heard of him. His name is Bill Clinton.

 

Never Talking Again, Facebook, and Other Unfinished Topics

Sometimes, certain topics that come to me don’t need 500 or more words. Sometimes, they’re  better in brief than they are at length, and because today seems to be one of those days where no one particular idea seems to be dominating my mind, I’m just going to put them all together in one post and share them.

Consider this a behind-the-scenes look at my creative process.

ONE DAY, WE WON’T EVER TALK AGAIN… a post in which I discuss how the words, “Don’t ever talk to me again” are pretty much pointless.

Excerpt:

There are a handful of  women from my past who never told me they didn’t want to talk to me ever again, who last I checked were still cool with me, and I with them. Though what’s odd is how I haven’t spoken to them or heard from them in ages and I didn’t even realize it until months and sometimes years had gone. I always wonder how those women are doing and of course, I wonder if they wonder how I am doing.

FIVE WAYS YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE TURNED ME OFF…a post in which I list five things I am easily turned off by after I see a girl’s Facebook page.

Excerpt:

5) Her Favorite Quotes Are All Her Own: Girl, why do you insist on quoting yourself so much? What kind of self-righteous, narcissism that? What’s funny is how the quotes they do write are almost never worth re-quoting, which means not only do they talk to themselves too much, they think what they say to themselves is actually hot.

THERE’S BEING SINGLE AND THEN THERE’S BEING WITH YOU…a post in which I try to break down the difference between a man who wants to be single and a man who just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman.

Excerpt:

Yes there are those men who know when they’re staring a gift horse in the mouth and choose to walk anyway because the single life is twice as good without anyone else. But those men won’t lie about who they are. The men I’m talking about are the ones who start something with a woman, only to never finish it, and the women who refuse to acknowledge the real reason why

Some women don’t know the difference between the man who wants to be single and a man who just doesn’t like them enough to take it to the next level. They convince themselves the man is the one with the problem, the one with commitment issues, that’s why he doesn’t want to get into a relationship. Well the truth is the only problem the man has is committing to you because in his eyes, there’s something about you that’s not quite right, and he’d much rather you stick around while he figures it out.

ONE MUSTACHE, TWO GIRLS… a post in which I talk about the time in my life I was in two relationships with two women simultaneously and how my mustache (or lack thereof) almost always got me in trouble.

Excerpt:

Funny how whenever I shaved off my mustache, one girlfriend thought I did it for her, and when I grew out my mustache, the other girlfriend thought I was doing it for her too. The truth is I wasn’t trying to satisfy either one of them more than the other, I was simply doing what I wanted to do. It was the same line of thinking I applied to dating both of them at the same time.

THINGS THEY DO IN MOVIES  THAT DON’T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE…a post in which I break down certain things men and women do in movies but in real life, either never happen or aren’t as good as they look on the screen.

Excerpt:

Shower sex is always better in the movies than it is in real life. In the movies, it always looks so smooth, and what’s crazy is the man and woman actually look like they took a shower just to have sex, as though the porcelain or marble tile and slippery floors are way more comfortable than a bed’s cushioned mattress and soft sheets. Do they ever look like they went in to the shower to wash the dirt off their bodies? No. And save the song-and-dance about how maybe I’m just not doing shower sex right. How about we just call a spade a spade and say, shower sex in real life sucks and movies lie.

Feel free to comment on any or all of the topics. I’ll see you all on Monday.

Warning To The Women Who Date My Friends

There’s a popular belief that men don’t want to see their friends settle down or fall in love with a woman. This popular belief is similar to the one about Santa Claus.

It’s just not true.

I may not promote love, marriage, or commitment. If a man is single, it’s on him to choose when not to be. But for my closest friends who do get in the ring and fight the good fight with one woman for an extended amount of time, I stay posted in their corner like a prize fighter’s cut man. All of my boys know, if ever they need someone to talk to about their woman woes, they can talk to me. Not because I have all the answers, but because I pass no judgment. If they’re happy with their woman, I’m happy for them.

Of course, the opposite is also true. If they’re not happy with their woman, largely because the woman isn’t acting right or has done something foul to him, I take matters into my own hands.

None of my boys have ever asked me to say something on their behalf to a woman. They all fight their own battles, which is something all men should do. But whenever I meet the new lady in my friend’s life, I always take it upon myself to let her know not only who I am, but what I am willing to do for my best friends. Like I protect my younger sister from wack dudes who don’t mean well, I too am my brother’s keeper. They may not be blood, but they’re the closest thing to it, so I tell the woman something like this:

Look, you know my boy really likes you, right? Seriously, I’ve known him for years, and I’ve never seen him act this way about anyone. He’s a good guy too. I’m sure you know that, I mean, why else would you be with him right?

Right.

But look, just so we’re clear I want you to understand something. You better not hurt him. Okay? I know you’re probably thinking, What about him? He better not hurt me. And trust me, I may not know you, but in everyone’s best interest, I will do my best to see to it that he treats you right.

What you need to worry about is being on your job, because if you’re not on your job and I find out you’ve done him wrong or did some scandalous stuff, I’m going to do everything within my power to make sure he drops you like a bad habit, but that’s not all. I’m also going to get with one of your best friends, one of your girl’s you practically call a sister, and break her heart like you broke my boy’s heart.

I don’t care what she looks like, as a matter of fact, if she’s not that cute, it’s even better, because we all know unattractive women are easier to manipulate. But that’s neither here nor there, just know, if you do something wrong to my boy, and I find out (you know he won’t tell me, men don’t do that, but I’ll find out anyway), watch your best friend’s back because I will get with her, get her hopes up and then drop her like I will make my boy drop you. If I do my job right, your shoulder will be soaked and sore  from all the crying she does on it.

I know it sounds mean, I know it sounds harsh, but I am my brother’s keeper.

Just remember that, and everything should be fine. Enjoy each other. I’m happy for both of you.

The Romantic vs. The Player: Things We Can Agree On

Though they may disagree on various matters of the heart, The Romantic and The Player are able to find other things they agree on when it comes to the opposite sex. Here are a few:

Safe Sex, Always

The Player: I don’t want an STD or a KID

The Romantic: Yeah, what he said.

Marriage Is…

The Romantic: A long ways away

The Player: A very long ways away

No Dinner on the First Date

The Romantic: I’m so much more creative than that.

The Player: So far, she has done nothing to deserve a free meal.

Women Are At The Club

The Player: On any given night, a man can find at least three or four to add to his roster.

The Romantic: On any given night, a man can meet the one true love to add to his life.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman’s Scorn

The Romantic: Hurt a woman bad enough and she’s gone forever.

The Player: Hurt a woman bad enough and she’s gone forever, but not before she trashes your place.

The Romantic vs. The Player: Another Man’s Woman

The Romantic: Remember, that girl I was telling you about? The one who has a man?

The Player: Yeah, the one with the man. Her. I sure do.

The Romantic: I’m going after her kind of hard, man.

The Player: What do you mean, “going after”?

The Romantic: I mean, I’ve been pursuing her, trying to get her to leave him for me.

The Player: Oh no, you don’t do that. What the hell is wrong with you?

The Romantic: Says the player…

The Player: Yeah, well, it’s going to sound ass backwards, but I’m very much against taking another man’s woman, especially if they’re in a relationship.

The Romantic: You make no sense, you’re a player! You boast about this constantly and now you’re saying you don’t want women to do the same thing?

The Player: Basically. Look, I’m willing to cop to who I am but I don’t want a woman doing the same thing. There’s a reason we call them the fairer sex.

The Romantic: Still not making sense…

The Player: Man, do you know how hard it is for most men to have the mentality you have?  Most men don’t. Most men, when they settle down, they do so on a wing and a prayer, it’s like they say, Okay, I’m going to do this with this one woman, and it better work. They end up putting their all into it because it actually goes against their basic behavior which is essentially to be with as many women as they can. So when a woman gets involved with another man, the man she’s with gets his heart broken, sure. But what really happens is he loses complete faith in the idea of commitment.

The Romantic: Okay, fine, I get that, but what if you know the man she’s with doesn’t deserve her?

The Player: Well, how do you know that?

The Romantic: Well, if he was doing his job right, the woman I’m trying to get with wouldn’t even be entertaining leaving him for me.

The Player: That’s just the grass looking greener on the other side. In the end though, it’s still just grass. You’re just grass.

The Romantic: But she could build a house on my grass.

The Player: Huh?

The Romantic: I’m not trying to get this girl to cheat on her man with me. I’m trying to get her to leave her man for me. See the difference?

The Player: That’s as much of a difference as six in one hand and half-a-dozen in the other.

The Romantic: No, it isn’t. There’s a huge difference. I’m not asking her to leave her man for a night or two, I’m asking her to leave her man to be with me, to be in a relationship with me. One that she’s truly happy with. I think I’d know if her man was doing her job, and if he was, I wouldn’t even be in the picture.

The Player: Women like attention, my man. That never gets old no matter what type of relationship she has.

The Romantic: Well, her man isn’t giving her enough of that attention. I believe if you’re doing your job right, your woman never even gives another man the time of day, let alone extended play.

The Player: Well, did you ever think of what happens if she does leave her man for you? That’s a mindfuck, if there ever was one. You’re always going to worry about her doing to you what she did to the man she left.

The Romantic: You have a point, but I can’t worry about that until after I get her. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there, but the first thing I have to do is get her to leave him for me.

The Player: Do you hear yourself? Look, even if I’m a player, I still abide by a certain set of rules and one of those rules is another man’s woman is off limits. For two reasons: One, there are so many single women out there in the world, why bother with another man’s? Trust me, there a lot of single women. A LOT. I have six of them right now. If you want, I can even set you up with one.

The Romantic: HA! Now you’re a pimp?

The Player: No, I’m kidding. But really, there are tons of single women out there, so there’s no need to go after one who’s taken. The other thing though is you don’t know what her man is capable of. Trust me, I know.

The Romantic: Yeah, you told me that story before. But I’m not afraid of that because I feel like we’re meant to be together, she’s meant to be with me. If she’s meant to be with him, than why isn’t he acting like it?

The Player: Because relationships are a job, and like any job, you’re going to have some good days and you’re going to have some bad days, and…

The Romantic: And if you don’t do it right, you’re going to get fired and replaced by someone else.

The Player: Hey man, do you. If you believe you can do that much better than her current man, then make your move, but just remember this.

The Romantic: What?

The Player: Remember two things: One, everything her man did, just don’t do that. You can make mistakes, but let them be new ones, ones she hasn’t seen before. Because she isn’t leaving her man cause you’re like him. She’s leaving him cause you’re the exact opposite.

The Romantic: Okay, and what’s the second thing?

The Player: Oh, the second thing? Good luck.

The Romantic vs. The Player: Another Man's Woman

The Romantic: Remember, that girl I was telling you about? The one who has a man?

The Player: Yeah, the one with the man. Her. I sure do.

The Romantic: I’m going after her kind of hard, man.

The Player: What do you mean, “going after”?

The Romantic: I mean, I’ve been pursuing her, trying to get her to leave him for me.

The Player: Oh no, you don’t do that. What the hell is wrong with you?

The Romantic: Says the player…

The Player: Yeah, well, it’s going to sound ass backwards, but I’m very much against taking another man’s woman, especially if they’re in a relationship.

The Romantic: You make no sense, you’re a player! You boast about this constantly and now you’re saying you don’t want women to do the same thing?

The Player: Basically. Look, I’m willing to cop to who I am but I don’t want a woman doing the same thing. There’s a reason we call them the fairer sex.

The Romantic: Still not making sense…

The Player: Man, do you know how hard it is for most men to have the mentality you have?  Most men don’t. Most men, when they settle down, they do so on a wing and a prayer, it’s like they say, Okay, I’m going to do this with this one woman, and it better work. They end up putting their all into it because it actually goes against their basic behavior which is essentially to be with as many women as they can. So when a woman gets involved with another man, the man she’s with gets his heart broken, sure. But what really happens is he loses complete faith in the idea of commitment.

The Romantic: Okay, fine, I get that, but what if you know the man she’s with doesn’t deserve her?

The Player: Well, how do you know that?

The Romantic: Well, if he was doing his job right, the woman I’m trying to get with wouldn’t even be entertaining leaving him for me.

The Player: That’s just the grass looking greener on the other side. In the end though, it’s still just grass. You’re just grass.

The Romantic: But she could build a house on my grass.

The Player: Huh?

The Romantic: I’m not trying to get this girl to cheat on her man with me. I’m trying to get her to leave her man for me. See the difference?

The Player: That’s as much of a difference as six in one hand and half-a-dozen in the other.

The Romantic: No, it isn’t. There’s a huge difference. I’m not asking her to leave her man for a night or two, I’m asking her to leave her man to be with me, to be in a relationship with me. One that she’s truly happy with. I think I’d know if her man was doing her job, and if he was, I wouldn’t even be in the picture.

The Player: Women like attention, my man. That never gets old no matter what type of relationship she has.

The Romantic: Well, her man isn’t giving her enough of that attention. I believe if you’re doing your job right, your woman never even gives another man the time of day, let alone extended play.

The Player: Well, did you ever think of what happens if she does leave her man for you? That’s a mindfuck, if there ever was one. You’re always going to worry about her doing to you what she did to the man she left.

The Romantic: You have a point, but I can’t worry about that until after I get her. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there, but the first thing I have to do is get her to leave him for me.

The Player: Do you hear yourself? Look, even if I’m a player, I still abide by a certain set of rules and one of those rules is another man’s woman is off limits. For two reasons: One, there are so many single women out there in the world, why bother with another man’s? Trust me, there a lot of single women. A LOT. I have six of them right now. If you want, I can even set you up with one.

The Romantic: HA! Now you’re a pimp?

The Player: No, I’m kidding. But really, there are tons of single women out there, so there’s no need to go after one who’s taken. The other thing though is you don’t know what her man is capable of. Trust me, I know.

The Romantic: Yeah, you told me that story before. But I’m not afraid of that because I feel like we’re meant to be together, she’s meant to be with me. If she’s meant to be with him, than why isn’t he acting like it?

The Player: Because relationships are a job, and like any job, you’re going to have some good days and you’re going to have some bad days, and…

The Romantic: And if you don’t do it right, you’re going to get fired and replaced by someone else.

The Player: Hey man, do you. If you believe you can do that much better than her current man, then make your move, but just remember this.

The Romantic: What?

The Player: Remember two things: One, everything her man did, just don’t do that. You can make mistakes, but let them be new ones, ones she hasn’t seen before. Because she isn’t leaving her man cause you’re like him. She’s leaving him cause you’re the exact opposite.

The Romantic: Okay, and what’s the second thing?

The Player: Oh, the second thing? Good luck.

Things a Man Can't Do If He Gets Caught Cheating

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I originally wrote this post a year or so ago, when I was at VIBE, but since then, I’ve gained a lot of new readers. Since I have writer’s block today, I decided to unearth this post originally titled, “It’s Like Moving Mountains.” Enjoy!

Let’s talk about cheating. Or even better, let’s talk about what happens when a man gets caught cheating.

Ideally, if a man gets caught cheating, the woman will leave him. But realistically, this won’t happen.

In my experience and the experiences of a few others with whom I’ve spoken, a woman done wrong doesn’t just up and leave. She wants to try to “make it work”, regain the trust they’ve lost. She loves him. She wants to forgive him. Or, worst case scenario, torture him with guilt.

Meanwhile, the man is stuck with a woman who no longer trusts him and rightfully so. Besides the constant worry of the woman flipping the script and doing us wrong like we did her, we must also adjust to the new rules of a relationship torn by infidelity. They are as follows:

THINGS YOU CAN NO LONGER DO IF YOU GET CAUGHT CHEATING

WATCH MOVIES CONTAINING INFIDELITY SCENES
This probably deserves a sub list filled with movies that can be accurately described as infidelity movies, but I’m not going to make that list because guys know them. What I will do is list the two genres of film where infidelity is most likely to occur. 

• Feel-good Romantic Comedies: In order for their to be a happy ending in a romantic comedy, there must be a sad middle, which usually consists of a man doing something he shouldn’t be doing.
• Movies Where the Woman Is Cheating: If you’re is still dating the woman youcheated on,never ever let her watch one of these wacked out films where the female character is feeling all liberated and wants to hit every dude in sight because she’s bored with her relationship or mad at her man or some other crazy reason. In other words, never let your woman see Unfaithful, because she probably already has, and if he’s lucky, she forgot all about it.

DON’T EVER BE LATE
As a matter of fact, don’t ever even be on time. Be early. Just be early and ask her why she’s running late. This takes the attention away from you. The day you run late for something as small as dropping off a pair of socks she forgot at your place, your woman will start acting like Bill Duke in Menace II Society.

NEVER EVER LOOK AT ANOTHER WOMAN
In the beginning, most women have a pretty good disposition towards us men making second glances at another woman. They understand that just because we’re on a diet doesn’t mean we won’t look at a menu. But once we’ve been caught doing some dirt, it’s best if we avoid all eye contact with another woman. Even if another woman is looking at you, don’t look back. Go tell on her to your woman.

NO NEW PASSWORDS
Whether it’s your keyguard lock on your phone or your login password for one of these social networking websites, don’t even think of putting a password lock on your stuff or changing the old one. You should’ve thought of that the first time, homie. It’s too late now. Just live with the fact that your woman will always know your passwords for everything is your mother’s birth date backwards.

NEVER GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS WITHOUT INVITING HER
It used to be all you would have to do is check in with your lady and let her know, you’re going out with your boys. Then, as she became more and more possessive, you needed to do more than notify her, you needed to make sure you two didn’t have plans and she didn’t want to do anything. But ever since your woman found out what really goes down with your boys, you are now forced to invite her everywhere you go. This includes that bachelor party where the invite says in big neon letters, “Guys Only”. And there are no plus ones unless your woman is going with you. If not, it’s plus none, because neither of you are going.

Any other new rules, people? Leave them in the comments.